Saudade: Rediscovering Portugal
From the streets of Porto to the waves of Nazaré, rediscovering the past through photographs of saudade: thoughts on growth, identity, and finding beauty in the familiar.
Saudade—a word deeply ingrained in the Portuguese language and soul—captures a unique blend of emotions. It's a longing, nostalgia, and melancholy feeling for something or someone absent but deeply cherished. It doesn't have an English translation, and it's one of my favorite words.
Saudade contains the bittersweetness of memories tied to moments and places, a craving for the past that is felt intensely but remains inaccessible. In Portuguese culture, because of the history of the discoveries, saudade is often associated with the sea and the longing for home. Still, it also evokes a deep connection to people, places, and experiences that have shaped one's life.
For me, saudade takes on a personal significance. I grew up in Portugal and I left when I was about 18 years old. I am now 45, so for the vast majority of my life, I have been away from the country that defined a lot of my personality and core belief systems.
As I recently traveled through Portugal with my boyfriend Timmy, from Porto to Coimbra, Nazaré, Lisbon, and Sintra, the landscapes and moments triggered a sense of saudade that connected me to my past and present. That feeling always makes me smile. The photos I captured during this journey reflect my saudade—the echoes of my childhood memories in Porto, the familiarity of my parent's home and neighborhood, and the evolving story of my relationship with the country and culture that defined my childhood.
Walking through the streets of Porto, I couldn't help but be transported back to my childhood. The scent of freshly baked pastries floating from the many nearby bakeries, the sound of the nearby ocean and its many seagulls, and the sight of laundry hanging from balconies—these were all familiar scenes that tugged at my heart. It was as if time had stood still in these moments, preserving the spirit of my youth.
Yet, in the middle of the nostalgia, I couldn't ignore the changes that had taken place. The once quiet streets were now bustling with tourists, eager to experience the charm of Porto. New cafes and shops had sprung up, breathing fresh life into the city. It was a reminder that while our memories may remain frozen in time, the world around us continues to evolve.
My connection to Portugal is complicated, of course, and it has naturally changed (for the better) throughout the years. I guess a lot of us growing up gay probably feel that way about our hometowns. When you're young and trying to understand your identity, the environment around you can feel suffocating if it doesn't provide the support and acceptance you need. I was lucky with my family since my parents and sister were always incredibly supportive, but still, growing up in a conservative Catholic country like Portugal in the 80s and 90s, being gay felt like an isolating experience. There were no visible role models, no open discussions about different sexual orientations, and a pervasive sense of shame and stigma surrounding queer identities. The AIDS epidemic was still very much present, and bullying was constant during middle school.
As a result, many of us who grew up gay in less accepting times and places often found ourselves distancing from our hometowns, both physically and emotionally. We sought out more welcoming communities, cities that celebrated diversity, and spaces where we could express ourselves freely without fear of judgment or rejection. This distancing was a form of self-preservation, a way to protect ourselves from the pain of not being able to fully be ourselves in the places we once called home. Again, my parents understood that, and I feel very privileged to have had the support they offered me to follow my dreams at such a young age. It must not have been easy for them, and it’s something I will never take for granted.
But time has a way of changing things, both within us and around us. Portugal has made significant strides in LGBTQ+ rights and acceptance since I left. Same-sex marriage was legalized in 2010, and the country now ranks among the most progressive in Europe when it comes to LGBTQ+ equality. Porto, too, has transformed, becoming a more vibrant, open-minded city that embraces diversity. With plenty of vegan food on top of that.
And I have changed as well. The process of finding myself, living authentically, and finding love and acceptance has allowed me to heal those old wounds and redefine my relationship with my homeland. Returning to Portugal now, with my partner by my side, feels like a full-circle moment—a chance to reconcile my past and present, to see my hometown through new eyes, and to appreciate how far we've all come. It is pretty magical.
What was once a quiet city in my childhood now has a thriving creative, cultural, and tourist energy that was severely lacking all those years ago. I remember even 20 years ago when I first moved to the US, Portugal was barely known to a lot of people I would talk to, and now it's completely the opposite.
At first, people would ask me curious questions about how Portugal was, and now they inquire about moving there.
It's a complete turnaround from my experience as a child, and it's fascinating to feel the differences returning now with my boyfriend. It's rediscovering something that feels so familiar but so foreign at the same time. I am fluent in the language, yet everyone speaks English with me. I look Portuguese, yet I don't recognize myself in it.
As I walk through the streets of Porto, I'm struck by how much time has passed since my childhood. The years have created a gap between my present self and my younger self, who once called these streets home. It's as if I'm a visitor in my memories, observing the scenes of my youth from an outsider’s perspective.
The Porto of today, with its trendy cafes, vibrant street art, and crowds of tourists, feels like a different world compared to the city I grew up in. The transformation is so significant that at times, it feels like I'm walking through a meticulously crafted movie set, a reenactment of my childhood rather than the actual place itself.
This sense of detachment is both surreal and eye-opening. It highlights how much I've grown and changed since those early years, and how the passage of time can alter not just physical spaces but also our emotional connections to them. The city that once felt like an integral part of my identity now feels like a chapter in a story I've long since moved on from. And yet, it’s still me. And I am it.
Despite this sense of distance, being back in Porto still stirs up a deep well of emotions. The saudade I feel is not just for the city as it was, but for the child I once was, navigating the complexities of identity and belonging in a world that didn't always understand or accept me. Returning to these streets is a reminder of how far I've come and a testament to the resilience and strength it takes to carve out a life true to oneself.
Now, in Porto, I'm just always walking around in wonder. Wow. How amazing is this? It's beautiful, it's clean, it's colorful, and it's alive.
Saudade, I've come to realize, is not just about longing for the past; it's about appreciating the journey that has brought us to the present. It's about recognizing that our experiences, both joyful and painful, have shaped who we are today. And it's about finding beauty in the way time blends our memories with our present reality.
Rediscovering Portugal reminds me of one of the paradoxes of aging: while time moves forward, we often overlook the richness that change brings. Even places like Porto, ingrained in my memories, reveal new layers with each visit. The vibrant streets, once quiet and quaint, are now full of life, and this evolution speaks to how aging allows us to find wonder in the familiar. It's about appreciating the beauty of transformation, both within and around us.
This journey helps me see that growth, in cities and ourselves, doesn't erase the past but builds upon it. It challenges the tendency to assume we know all there is to know. Seeing the world through this lens breathes fresh life into memories and experiences, turning nostalgia into curiosity and familiarity into rediscovery.
And interestingly, it makes me feel like a kid again.
Saudade is a reminder that our lives are created from the threads of our past and present. It's a call to cherish the memories that have shaped us while embracing the ever-evolving nature of ourselves and the world around us. So, as you navigate your journey, take a moment to pause and feel saudade—that connection to the people, places, and experiences that have made you who you are today.
Think back to the places and people that have left an unforgettable mark on your life. Allow yourself to feel that bittersweet nostalgia, but also embrace the growth and change that have occurred since then. Just as I rediscovered Portugal through new eyes, perhaps you too can find a fresh perspective in revisiting your past.
Ó sino da minha aldeia,
Dolente na tarde calma,
Cada tua badalada
Soa dentro da minha alma.
E é tão lento o teu soar,
Tão como triste da vida,
Que já a primeira pancada
Tem o som de repetida.
Por mais que me tanjas perto
Quando passo, sempre errante,
És para mim como um sonho.
Soas-me na alma distante.
A cada pancada tua
Vibrante no céu aberto,
Sinto mais longe o passado,
Sinto a saudade mais perto.
- Fernando PessoaThat’s… Saudade.
🖤 Thank you for reading.
A few years ago, the last time I visited Porto, I decided to start a photo gallery on my website to collect some of my favorite photographs captured when traveling back to see my parents. I try to be as selective as possible, always encapsulating this feeling of saudade. You can visit the website here to see a more complete picture of my travels in Portugal: afonso.me/portugalPS. For you non-Portuguese readers, here’s the translation in English:
Oh bell of my village, Mournful in the calm afternoon, Each toll of yours Resounds within my soul. And your ringing is so slow, So like the sadness of life, That already the first toll Has the sound of repetition. However much you ring near me When I pass by, always wandering, You are to me like a dream, You ring in my distant soul. Oh bell of my village, Why do you touch me so deeply? Your voice seems to come From the profound soul of the world. With each toll of yours, Vibrant in the open sky, I feel the past further away, I feel saudade closer.
What a thoughtful article on saudade. It sure is better to view the past with bittersweet nostalgia, as you say, than with lamentation that it is irretrievably gone for ever. We should be grateful for the experiences and people that have shaped us into what we presently are.
Beautiful Fonzie. When I found my bio-parents in 2017 (adopted at birth), and learned I was from Pico Island, Azores, I was excited to experience Portugal. Visited the Azores in summer 2023, and I was blown away. The saudade feeling was present in my soul before I knew the word to describe it. Thank you for the stunning photos and the moving words.